Emotional Abuse- The Energy Drain

Emotional abuse. When you hear it, you may ask, "How can you abuse someone emotionally?". Well, the how, is sinister and assassinates the very core of who you are as a person. It took a "break in reality" for me to realize what was happening to me. There was a feeling that something was wrong but what it might have been... I thought it was... ME, that I was wrong and some how defective as an individual. If I could just get myself together, everything would be ok.

So what is emotional abuse? This is my simple definition : A methodical and systematic breakdown of a person's self esteem, self-worth, and sanity through ignoring, bullying, crazy making, name calling, undermining, denying, accusing and blaming. Emotional abuse is silent and painful. It is an ignored form of abuse because it doesn't necessarily lend itself to physical signs.

In my case, I was constantly working to "better myself" as a person. I did not know I was even in an abusive relationship. It is still hard to think of it that way. All I knew was that I had no energy. I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained. Thinking that I was inadequate and unfit in every way. The abuse convinced me that I could not take care of myself, and the abuser knew what was best for me. The depression and despair that developed as a result of the abuse further convinced me that I needed to be taken care of. I really actually believed I needed a live in nurse and babysitter, a life coach, and that I was ill prepared for all of life's challenges because as he would say, "you don't have any life skills". I slowly began to believe every lie, every put down, and every accusation. I was convinced that I needed to start over in life and relearn how to be on time, how to keep a schedule, how to take care of my child, how to clean my house, how to be an adult. The one who was suppose to be my lover and friend was now my surrogate parent.

I had ranking just above a child. The sad part of the whole ordeal is that you begin to doubt your own sanity. You begin believing as your abuser does, that you need him or her to function.

The abuse left me believing that something was inherently wrong with me. I honestly believed that I was flawed on some fundamental level. I made a habit of purchasing self-help books. I believed that if I worked to change myself that I would some how be able to make my spouse happy. That I would somehow be able to show him that I was improving and maybe, just maybe he would begin to view me as an adult. To give me the respect that I was working so hard to earn. To "let me off the hook" for awhile with all the criticisms and accusations. To love me the way I craved. He was right there... Right in from of me but I could not hold him. Why did I have to keep proving that I was there for him,that I had his back, that he was first, and that I did love him? Why couldn't he see that I was a woman and not a child....

Emotional abuse wrecks your mind, body, and spirit. 30 to 40 self-help books later and I realize now that it wasn't me. I was not the horrible monster responsible for all the temper tantrums and blow ups. I was not the cause....

I could finally breathe.

Stay tuned...