Financial Woes or WOAH!

To sit here and tell you that one day you will be able to sufficiently take care of all your personal needs (maybe not wants) may hold no consolation to you if you are where I like to call " the valley of dry bones". The valley of dry bones is that desolate place where every opportunity seems to have evaporated. All sources are depleted and you are officially scot broke.

Being the primary breadwinner after leaving an abusive marriage is not fun. It is a huge slap in the face to every sacrifice that has been made on your part and every humiliation that you have had to experience. You may for the first time in your life have to become acquainted with welfare, food stamps, and the infamous DHS office. The betrayal of it all may cause you vomit. Why didn't I save the money, you might ask yourself... The truth is, now that you have to sit and look at the debt that has accrued next to your name, you may begin to laugh at such things as an "A1" credit rating, credit approval, and loan applications. I know I do. I literally laugh out loud at department stores when I am asked do I want to fill out an application for a credit card. My first inclination is to be rude and say "Hell naw!" But I fight the temptation.

I open my wallet to retrieve my driver's license, moving past my gold EBT card, finding this whole scenario quite amusing. I tell the cashier, "I already know what it's going to say", she frowns as if I said something inappropriate and shoots back, "You don't know, you may be approved". I laugh some more. You see, it's important to laugh. To dwell on what it really is.... That would make you cry.

Financially, women who leave or divorce their spouses see a significant drop in income. While men who separate or divorce, see an increase in their income. To me those are not financial woes, that is a financial WOAH! As in nobody told me, and NO I am not ready. Scenarios flash in your head that never once before intrigued your thoughts. You begin to understand and perhaps even sympathize with the gold digger, the prostitute, and the exotic dancer. You can see the use for a sugar daddy or some old man that can't get it up anymore but still enjoys the company of a beautiful younger woman. Not that YOU personally would do any of these things but you understand the background of these situations. You also understand the independent woman who vows to never rely on a man for anything, the wife who hides thousands of dollars from her spouse in a secret account, and the couple who does everything separately. The things you learn by trial and error..... Hm mm........

Stay tuned folks...

Bitter Woman Syndrome

You have been dumped and there is no pretty way to put it. You feel betrayed, used, discarded even. You have a permanent searing frown etch into the corners of your brow. Your softer side is purposely hidden...You will not be underestimated again. You are in warrior mode.

You are rude, blunt, you cut other drivers off. Give your heart again, it is absolutely laughable. You will be the heart breaker. Stress is etched in your temperament. You are ice, stone, you will not be broken, not again.

You are ready to go toe to toe with any contender. The opponent is everybody and everybody is the opponent. Men are disgusting pigs. There are no good ones left.

You are officially the bitter woman...

Preserve Your Sanity

I use to think that self-care and pampering were reserved for rich, elite, Caucasian housewives with nothing but time on their hands. My happiness was not a factor in the equation I called my marriage. Duty to my "role" and loyalty to "the job" was my main concern. When I "performed" well I felt exhilarated.When I "failed" I felt like regular pond scum. My joy was in giving and doing, as long as it was not for myself.

There is a book written by Neffe called "My Happiness is My Sanity". That is my new motto. If I could personalize it I would say "Preserve your sanity". How happy you are is totally up to you. Being happy starts with self-love. Self-love start with self-care. Self-care comes when you gradually silence the inner critic that says that you are not enough, that you are inadequate. The voice that compares you to others instead of yourself. Finding that inner motivation to encourage and drive your own well-being.

What is happiness? Happiness is a state of mind. It can range from contentment to joy. It is God's will for us to live in perpetual happiness and contentment. As adults we often ponder at the contentment we see in children. Infants are mostly content when their basic necessities are met. As we grow we develop the phenomenon of greed. It is only when be began to desire more that we become unhappy. Unhappiness comes when we feel that our needs are not being met. Compounded unhappiness can lead to depression. Untreated depression leads to major depression. Major depression can lead to a place I call "Mental Hell" or insanity.

If we can simplify our desires and learn to look within for the things that we seek, all of our desires are granted. It is then that you realize how to make all of the desires of your mind come to life. There is a great adage that i am learning to live by "Be to yourself, what you are looking for from others". This simply means that the kindness, love , respect, tenderness, and affection that you lavish on others, take time to lavish also on yourself. Write yourself a love letter, pamper yourself with healing baths, herbal teas, clay masks, and nourishing hair treatments. Make love to yourself. Not because you deserve it. The love we lavish on others is not necessarily because the deserve it, but because "they are".

These things are paramount to your wholeness as a woman, a human being, a spirit. Relish in them, for in it is also your mental well-being....

The Exam

The name of this blog is dedicated to the wisdom of my little brother. A situation when roles reversed and the teacher becomes the student.

He said, "In every situation there's a lesson and the next situation you come upon that's similar to it is sorta like your exam...

You got to use what you learned from your previous situation to pass your exam...stay with me...
Now I'm pretty sure you've been here before and I know you feel horrible and I'm right there with ya.. but what notes did you throw away from your previous situation that helped you fail this time around? I feel, liking someone so much that you dont wanna except what type of person they are is like putting on a blind fold and ear plugs and going to class...

This was so profound to me that it knocked me right out of my seat. What notes did I throw away? And I began to think. How does this relate to all my previous relationships? What should I be learning about myself so that I do not repeat the same mistakes over and over?

I thought on a even deeper level. Life in itself is an exam. A quest to find a place of balance peace and so that we can find the higher levels of who we are. It is not the grade that is so important but the information that you retain from the lessons.

Think about it. Stay tuned....

Emotional Abuse- The Energy Drain

Emotional abuse. When you hear it, you may ask, "How can you abuse someone emotionally?". Well, the how, is sinister and assassinates the very core of who you are as a person. It took a "break in reality" for me to realize what was happening to me. There was a feeling that something was wrong but what it might have been... I thought it was... ME, that I was wrong and some how defective as an individual. If I could just get myself together, everything would be ok.

So what is emotional abuse? This is my simple definition : A methodical and systematic breakdown of a person's self esteem, self-worth, and sanity through ignoring, bullying, crazy making, name calling, undermining, denying, accusing and blaming. Emotional abuse is silent and painful. It is an ignored form of abuse because it doesn't necessarily lend itself to physical signs.

In my case, I was constantly working to "better myself" as a person. I did not know I was even in an abusive relationship. It is still hard to think of it that way. All I knew was that I had no energy. I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained. Thinking that I was inadequate and unfit in every way. The abuse convinced me that I could not take care of myself, and the abuser knew what was best for me. The depression and despair that developed as a result of the abuse further convinced me that I needed to be taken care of. I really actually believed I needed a live in nurse and babysitter, a life coach, and that I was ill prepared for all of life's challenges because as he would say, "you don't have any life skills". I slowly began to believe every lie, every put down, and every accusation. I was convinced that I needed to start over in life and relearn how to be on time, how to keep a schedule, how to take care of my child, how to clean my house, how to be an adult. The one who was suppose to be my lover and friend was now my surrogate parent.

I had ranking just above a child. The sad part of the whole ordeal is that you begin to doubt your own sanity. You begin believing as your abuser does, that you need him or her to function.

The abuse left me believing that something was inherently wrong with me. I honestly believed that I was flawed on some fundamental level. I made a habit of purchasing self-help books. I believed that if I worked to change myself that I would some how be able to make my spouse happy. That I would somehow be able to show him that I was improving and maybe, just maybe he would begin to view me as an adult. To give me the respect that I was working so hard to earn. To "let me off the hook" for awhile with all the criticisms and accusations. To love me the way I craved. He was right there... Right in from of me but I could not hold him. Why did I have to keep proving that I was there for him,that I had his back, that he was first, and that I did love him? Why couldn't he see that I was a woman and not a child....

Emotional abuse wrecks your mind, body, and spirit. 30 to 40 self-help books later and I realize now that it wasn't me. I was not the horrible monster responsible for all the temper tantrums and blow ups. I was not the cause....

I could finally breathe.

Stay tuned...

Separation or "Severation"

This is my first post. This is dedicated to women who are experiencing the ups and downs of separation and divorce particularly if abuse was a factor. Stay tuned for more posts, updates, books, etc. But until then, check this out:

Separation should be called "severation" because that's exactly how it feels. It is like having an unexpected surgery and being left to deal with the shock, afterpains, scars, and recovery, all on your own. Not only are you not physically with this person, but your very sense of self of survival is threatened. You begin to question everything. What went wrong? What have I done wrong? Why didn't I see this coming? Why doesn't he love me? Who am I outside of this relationship? Will this pain ever end? Will I feel like this forever?

Separation and divorce brings out emotions that have been suppressed or otherwise hidden from you. It is as if you are experiencing a death. As with any loss there is a grieving process. The interesting thing I have found about grieving in separation is that your emotions change from minute to minute. This varies depending on the circumstances surrounding your separation/divorce. If you were abandoned or abused by your spouse, the range of emotions changes second to second. The need becomes desperate to find a answer to what you have and are experiencing.

There is a level of freedom and power that you feel after separation. If you were abused, the abuse stops, if you were being cheated on, you on longer have to keep tabs, if you were unloved, you have the opportunity to find self-love as well as true love. If you initiate the separation from your spouse, you may feel a sense of control over the direction of your life and your relationship, if you seek to savage it. However, if you are like me, and were left by your spouse, you may feel a great sense of betrayal and despair. For me, this was compounded by years of emotional abuse and ultimately abandonment.

It all sound so grim doesn't it? Seems like there is no light a the end of the tunnel....

Well ladies, there is. I am seeing it as we speak. Stick with me and I'll show you what I've learned.

Stay tuned...